"Pastor’s Corner" Article
Friday, March 28, 2008
Pastor Andrew Wehling
revwehling@hotmail.com
Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church, Liberal, Kansas
"Why Not Live Together?"
If I’m reading the culture correctly, the currently accepted practice as far as dating and marriage are concerned goes something like this:
First, a guy and a girl go out on a few dates. Second, they become sexually intimate. Third, he ends up staying overnight. Fourth, since he’s staying overnight anyway, they ask, "Why not live together?" And he moves in.
Why not live together? That’s a question nearly everyone seems to be asking these days and, if the statistics are correct, most are concluding that living together before marriage is a good idea.
After all, the logic of living together seems clear. Living together allows a couple to find out if they’re truly compatible with each other before "taking the plunge" of marriage. Living together is a good test of the relationship. If living together doesn’t work out, then the couple can part ways peacefully without a messy divorce. On the other hand, if living together does work out, then the couple can rest assured that their relationship will last when they take the next step into marriage.
But many couples are surprised to find out that, as much as the above logic makes sense, it doesn’t hold up statistically. If living together contributes toward a stronger marriage, we would expect the divorce rate to be lower among couples who’ve lived together before marrying. But, the opposite is true. The divorce rate is actually higher—significantly higher—among those who live together! Studies conducted by the University of Chicago, Penn State, Rutgers, and others since the year 2000 have led to a single conclusion: the longer you’ve lived together before getting married, the shorter the time you’ll live together after you’re married. See for yourself at marriage.rutgers.edu.
Why is this? Why doesn’t living together help a marriage?
One reason is that, although living together looks a whole lot like marriage on the outside, it is vastly different from marriage on the inside—in one’s heart, in one’s attitudes. Living together is simply different from marriage. One of the clearest examples of the difference is expressed by the "IF" factor in a relationship.
At the heart of a living together relationship is the word "IF," as in, "I’ll stay with you IF you don’t turn out to have any annoying habits." "I’ll stay with you IF we don’t have any major arguments." "I’ll stay with you IF it works out." This IF factor teaches the couple two things about relating to each other. One, they learn to cover up problems for fear the problems might end their relationship. Second, if they can’t cover up the problem, they walk away from the relationship. Both of those approaches threaten significant harm to their future marriage. Whether the couple intends to or not, they bring into their marriage the attitudes they learned while living together. When they run into problems that they can’t cover up, they walk away. Hence, the higher divorce rate.
Marriage, on the other hand, is not about "IF." Marriage is all about "EVEN IF," as in, "I’ll stay with you EVEN IF you have annoying habits." "I’ll stay with you EVEN IF we have major arguments." "I’ll stay with you EVEN IF it does not seem to be working out." The heart of a marriage is not compatibility, nor is it romance (though both of those things are important). The heart of a marriage is commitment—commitment to each other and commitment to what marriage was created to be. These things are not learned or strengthened by living together!
Why not live together? Because it does more harm than good.
So, if living together isn’t the way to go, how can a couple be more sure about their relationship before they get married? For the answer to that question, you’ll have to check out next week’s column.
The Lord be with you!
"Pastor’s Corner" Article
Friday, April 4, 2008
Pastor Andrew Wehling
revwehling@hotmail.com
Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church, Liberal, Kansas
"Why Not Live Together? (Part 2)"
I ended last week’s column with this question: "If living together isn’t the way to go, then how can a couple be more sure about their relationship before they get married?" If you missed that column, you’re welcome to check it out at www.gracelutheran-ks.org.
Wanting to be sure before getting married is a good and proper thing. As we say at the beginning of our wedding services here at Grace, "Marriage is not to be entered into inadvisedly or lightly." Today’s young people have every right to be cautious about marriage, given the fact that our culture gives them very little to believe in as far as marriage is concerned. Yet, despite the risks of marriage, studies show that most young people want to be married and that married people are generally happier, healthier, and wealthier than single people.
So, how can a couple know for sure that they’re really meant for each other?
As far as I see it, couples tend to look at three things to determine whether their relationship will last. The first is romance, as in, "Am I really in love with this person?" The second is compatibility, as in, "Do we have enough in common?" The third is commitment, as in, "Am I ready to promise everything to this person?"
If Hollywood has it right, all the certainty you need can be found in the first thing, romance. If you’re really in love—the kind of love where your knees go weak and your stomach flutters and you giggle for no apparent reason, the kind of love that Toby Keith says "feels like electricity," the kind of love that sends Tim McGraw to the county fair to spend $48.00 and throw out his shoulder to win her that teddy bear—then, according to Hollywood (or Nashville, either one), you should go for it.
But here’s the problem: studies show that the kind of red-hot romantic love described above lasts a maximum of three to five years. (Thankfully, the giggling usually stops sooner than that.) If that kind of love is the only thing you’re standing on as a couple, you can expect your relationship to last about as long as a typical Hollywood marriage. This is also a reason why becoming sexually active before marriage is not a good idea—strong sexual attraction, just like red-hot romantic love, easily distracts the couple from seeing the real picture as far as their relationship is concerned.
So, if romance isn’t the thing, what about compatibility? Eharmony.com promises to match you with the love of your life based on compatibility. There’s certainly nothing wrong with that. Studies show that having lots in common definitely helps a marriage last. In fact, the more you have in common, the better.
But let’s not overdo this compatibility. A couple might assume that, since they’re so compatible, they’ll rarely disagree or argue or experience any kind of stress in their relationship. What a cruel surprise it is, then, when the couple discovers that even compatible people have to learn to deal with conflict constructively. Even compatible people change and grow over time, and it takes work and sacrifice and compromise to keep up with each other. The reality is that there are days when a husband and wife feel totally in sync with each other; there are other days when each feels like the other must be from a different planet. Compatibility, all by itself, cannot make a marriage last.
Don’t get me wrong. Romance and compatibility are both good and necessary things in a lasting relationship. But are they the only things? Are they at the top of the list of what keeps a marriage together?
No, there’s something still more important. Something that keeps a couple together when the romance is less than red-hot and when the compatibility seems to fade.
That something is commitment. Commitment, finally, is what holds a relationship together. Not a commitment based on "IF" (see last week’s column), but a commitment that is "EVEN IF." Not just a verbal commitment, not even just a legal commitment, but a commitment that is holy, honorable, and blessed.
Next week we’ll talk more about true, spiritual commitment. And the week after that, we’ll look at how you can tell whether you’re ready for it.
The Lord be with you!
"Pastor’s Corner" Article
Friday, April 11, 2008
Pastor Andrew Wehling
revwehling@hotmail.com
Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church, Liberal, Kansas
"Why Not Live Together? (Part 3)"
In last week’s column I promised we’d talk about commitment. Bear with me . . . we’ll end up there eventually.
Have you noticed how creative our culture’s been getting lately as far as relationships are concerned? We’ve done away with all boundaries and rules regarding dating, sex, marriage, and family, and given ourselves permission to chase after pretty much any new idea that comes along: hooking up, friends with benefits, living together, living together plus children, trial marriage, temporary marriage, open marriage, serial marriage, and the list goes on.
Why all these alternatives? What’s the motivation behind all this creativity?
In my opinion, one of the main reasons we’re so anxious to redefine marriage is because we’ve pretty much concluded that traditional marriage is broken. It’s obvious to many that a lifelong relationship based on commitment between two people simply doesn’t work anymore. Many young people can point to their parents’ failed marriage(s) as perfect examples of the fact that the definition of marriage needs at least some tweaking, or maybe a complete overhaul, or maybe should be thrown out altogether.
Is it true that marriage is broken?
You might be surprised to hear this, but I would answer "Yes." Marriage is broken. Think about it. What is a marriage made of? Marriage is a relationship between two people—two people who each, by nature, are imperfect and sinful. Marriage is a relationship in which each person is daily tempted to be selfish rather than be selfless, to take rather than give, to be served rather than serve. Since we so often give in to these temptations, every marriage is going to have problems. Every marriage will suffer some degree of brokenness. I know this is going to be a terrible disappointment to the "happily ever after" crowd, but the fact is, in this broken world, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage or a perfect spouse.
The Bible is honest about this reality. Genesis 3 includes marital strife in the list of things that come with sin. 1 Corinthians 7 says that "those who marry will face many troubles in this life." The Christian Church is honest as well when, in the wedding service, we explain that marriage isn’t just "for better," but also "for worse."
Yes, marriage is broken—along with pretty much everything else in this sinful world.
But, despite its brokenness, God didn’t get rid of marriage. God could have said, "Well, that idea didn’t work—I guess you all are free to do whatever you want." Instead, God kept it, commanded it, blessed it, and protected it. He said, "What God has joined together, let no one separate." And He said "marriage should be honored by all."
Why has God kept marriage? Because it’s precisely in the middle of all this brokenness that we begin to learn about true, spiritual commitment. Despite our sinful rebellion against God, He did not break His commitment to us. He did not abandon us. He did not divorce us. Instead, He demonstrated His love and commitment toward us through sacrifice and service and selflessness. "While we were yet sinners (before we deserved anything from God), Jesus died for us." Even in a broken world, there is such a thing as true, spiritual commitment.
And in doing all this for us, Jesus brings us to a new understanding of what love is and how it works. Love, especially the love between husband and wife, is not about finding someone who’s perfect. It’s not about finding someone who always makes you happy. Love is not a list in which you check off whether or not you’re getting exactly as much as you’re giving.
Love is sacrifice. Love is commitment. Love is putting the other first. Ephesians 5 says we are to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."
What does that kind of love mean in a marriage?
It means my first question to my spouse is not, "What can you do to make me happy?" My first question is "What can I do to make you happy?"
It means I don’t stubbornly wait for my spouse to take the first step in improving our relationship, saying, "I’ll be nice if you be nice." I take the first step.
It means I don’t wait to show love until I feel like it. Instead, I demonstrate love no matter what. Love is action. Check out 1 Corinthians 13 sometime—the famous "love chapter" of the Bible. How many feelings do you read about in that chapter? None! How many actions do you read about? Plenty!
Love means I’m not surprised when I discover that my spouse is imperfect. But inasmuch as I am so imperfect as well, and I have been so amazingly forgiven by God through Jesus, I want to be generous in that forgiveness, too.
True, spiritual commitment begins with God’s commitment toward us. And it continues as we seek to demonstrate that same commitment toward each other.
Next week, we’ll look at specific things couples can do and questions they can ask to determine whether they’re ready for marriage. If you missed any of the previous columns on this topic, you’re welcome to check them out at www.gracelutheran-ks.org.
The Lord be with you!
"Pastor’s Corner" Article
Friday, April 18, 2008
Pastor Andrew Wehling
revwehling@hotmail.com
Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church, Liberal, Kansas
"Why Not Live Together? (Part 4)"
Are we really in love? Will our love last? Are we ready to commit everything to one another, for better or for worse, for the rest of our lives? Here are some things couples might want to think about.
Consider these questions.
1. How did your relationship start? Did you fall in love all of a sudden, in an instant, like a bolt of lightning? If so, be careful! Relationships that start suddenly are so romantic! But they also have a way of ending as suddenly as they began. Real love usually starts more slowly.
2. What is it that attracts you to this person? If all you can think of are physical things like his smile or her figure, then be careful. Real love is more about what’s in the body — the person’s mind, emotions, and faith.
3. What do your friends and family think? Get an opinion of your beloved from those who aren’t as blinded by passion as you are. They may be able to see things you can’t. Of course, you’ll be tempted to ignore them all and go riding off into the sunset together to live happily ever after. But in the real world, when the going gets tough in your marriage (and every marriage has times like those), you’ll need your family and friends to support your marriage. If you find yourself distancing yourself from your friends or family because they don’t approve of your relationship, be careful!
4. What do long separations do to your relationship? Life’s circumstances sometimes require that a couple be separate from each other for significant lengths of time. Separation isn’t fun, but it can be a good test of your relationship. Real love will survive, because the other person has become part of you. But love that is based only on superficial things or physical attraction will not last. So, if you’re rushing into marriage because you’re afraid you’ll lose him before he gets through his last year of college, be careful!
And here are some guidelines to follow.
5. Don’t live together. As I’ve been explaining these last several weeks, studies consistently show that living together is so different from marriage that it doesn’t tell you nearly as much as you think it does about your partner. In fact, it teaches you more about how to break up than how to stay together. If you’re truly serious about each other, move into separate homes. Right now. And stay there until you’re married. Yes, I’m serious. Yes, I know all your friends are doing it.
6. Save sex for marriage. Those darn studies are clear on this one, too. Couples who have sex before marriage run a higher risk of breaking up, tend to have less happy marriages, are more likely to have their marriage end in divorce, are more likely to have extramarital affairs, and might confuse sexual passion with real love and get married for the wrong reason. Our culture wants us to believe that sex is nothing more than a simple physical act — not much more significant than a handshake. I think, deep down, we all know better. Sex is a powerful bond. It is intended to seal and strengthen a powerful vow — the lifelong commitment of marriage. Sex outside of marriage simply reduces the power and joy of both sex and marriage.
God hasn’t given us this plan just for the fun of it. He wants what’s best for you and for your marriage. If you’re truly serious about each other, stop having sex. Right now. And save it for marriage. Yes, I’m serious. Yes, I know all your friends are doing it.
7. Get premarital counseling. In all likelihood, your pastor is ready to do this with you. Premarital counseling is more than just discussing what color the bridesmaids’ dresses will be. It’s an opportunity to reflect together on your relationship, identify any concerns, gain some valuable tools for dealing with what lies ahead, and discover what God, the Inventor of Marriage, has to say about your relationship.
8. Find a mentor couple. An older married couple (in addition to your parents) can be invaluable to your relationship. Their wisdom and experience can help carry you through whatever tough times or unexpected difficulties might lie ahead.
9. Find a church home. Worship together. Read God’s Word together. Let the peace, forgiveness, and guidance of Jesus be a strength in your marriage.
10. Finally, statistically speaking, it’s best to date for at least a year before getting engaged. And to wait at least six months after getting engaged before getting married. And both partners should be over the age of 20.
While reading the book Sex, Dating and Love, by Ray Short, I came across a definition of true love that I think is pretty good: "If you love someone so much that you want that person to be happy, even if you are not the one to make him or her happy, then you really love that person." This is the sacrificial, selfless, submitting love God tells us about in Ephesians 5.
Perhaps you object to something in the above list. "We’re the exception to that rule," you’re saying. And you may very well be right. But as confused and chaotic as our culture has become regarding marriage and family, I think I’d do whatever I could to ensure the strength of my marriage, even before it starts.
If you’d like to read previous columns dealing with this topic, you’re welcome to check them out at www.gracelutheran-ks.org.
The Lord be with you!
"Pastor’s Corner" Article
Friday, April 25, 2008
Pastor Andrew Wehling
revwehling@hotmail.com
Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church, Liberal, Kansas
"Why Not Live Together? (Part 5)"
For four weeks now in this column, I have shared studies, statistics, and Scriptures that challenge many of today’s assumptions about living together. Simply put, living together is not as good of an idea as most people seem to think it is. (If you missed those columns, you can find them at www.gracelutheran-ks.org.)
To summarize, living together increases a couple’s chance of divorce by 50 percent, increases the possibility of aggression in the relationship by 50 percent, and increases the chances of not marrying by 50 percent. A couple that lives together has a 75 percent chance of breaking up either before or after marriage. If your goal is to have a happy, successful, and divorce-free relationship, then these are not good odds!
However, as compelling as the evidence might be, I am fully aware that in many cases, all the logic and statistics I’ve presented will fall on deaf ears. As wonderful as love is, it does not encourage clear thinking. Being in love is not something a person can easily stand back from and objectively study. I could quote studies and statistics for the rest of the year and many couples would say, "Yes, but we’re in love! We’re the exception."
So maybe these columns are addressed more toward those of us who stand around and by and with these couples — parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends. Maybe, as a community, it’s time for us to find another way to respond to couples who announce that they’ve moved in together — something besides "Congratulations! Good for you!"
I’m not suggesting we condemn anyone. I’m not suggesting we cast anyone out. But I am suggesting that we find a way to be honest with each other, to "speak the truth in love" as we’re told to do in 1 Peter.
Parents, discuss these things with your teenage children. Be honest and up front. Talk about it ahead of time, before the situation comes up. Be wary of the example you’re giving them in the conduct of your own relationships. Be ready to admit mistakes you’ve made. Sometimes we parents do have to say to our children, "Do as I say, not as I did."
Siblings and friends, truly caring for someone does not mean automatically approving everything he or she does. Our culture says we must be tolerant toward each other, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be honest with each other. Be quick to listen. Be understanding. Be patient. Be gentle. Don’t jump to conclusions. But also, be honest. Ephesians 4:29 says "Your conversation should be helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
In general, it seems to me that many of us are working with incorrect or insufficient information as far as love and marriage are concerned. Maybe it’s time for all of us to begin considering the whole picture.
A helpful resource for understanding these issues is "Before You Live Together" by David Gudgel. This book is particularly valuable in that, in addition to explaining possible problems with living together, it also lays out specific examples of things couples can do in order to be sure about each other before they get married.
Thanks for listening. The Lord be with you!
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